watch out, nasty people who text in theaters! Elijah is coming for you!
this was written in responds to a tweet by AMC theaters, that wrote that they will forbid texting in most of their theaters.
I think the allow\forbid texting turned into a wider discussion, but honestly i don’t care. I already have my opinion on movie theaters and the debate won’t change it.
first of all, Elijah dear, I get you. People who use their phones in theater are dumbnuts. But what exactly are you (and AMC) suggesting? Striking them with a teaser? Frying them with a flame thrower? If these were possible I would have the job of my dreams.
well, ok, i guess the rule can be applied in some unpleasant way and perhaps will start a re-educating phone owners and maybe it’s a fight worth fighting, but that’s not what i want to share here.
what i want to share is that the tweet, while I do agree with it, enhanced my existing feeling towards the movie theaters: HATRED.
yep, Elijah pressed my sensitive button.
The funny thing is that my first negative experience in the cinema was in a movie with Elijah Wood himself.
I was fifteen and went to see “the lord of the rings”. It was the first movie of the trilogy and I was excited like a little monkey. After spending my childhood and early teens in a massive obsession towards the books, I just couldn’t wait for watching it on the big screen with my friends.
So I did, and honestly, I suffered. Not from the movie, which was cool, but from the prolonged stay in the hall.
At some point I needed to pee. Really, REALLY needed to pee. But I didn’t want to interrupt the whole raw of people in my stumbling towards the exit and then again on my way back.
You know that the movie is not short. I was dying there. I prayed for a mercy break before I produce my own version of Elrond’s river horses.
eventually I somehow made it to the finish line. but I was personally offended by my childhood heroes who made me go through this experience.
And that was just the start.
The more I went to movies, the more I realized that I simply don’t enjoy it. With each time I noticed another thing that was disturbing and no fun. Here is a list of things that make any cinema movie a horror movie:
1. the force feeding of commercials in the beginning.
2. The way people chatter\ cough \ mumble \ make the dumbest sounds for the dumbest reasons.
3. The too high volume of the sound.
4. The too strong air conditioning.
5. The arbitrary pee breaks.
6. The line at the ladies room on the arbitrary pee breaks.
7. The risk that the movie will be too boring \ too scary \ too depressing \ too stupid.
8. The way people chewing their popcorn in my ear.
9. The head of the person in front of me which blocks my view and needs to chopped with a machete.
10. My ever sensitive spot: people who thump the back of my seat with their knees. It’s like, no. you take those knees of yours and push them elsewhere. Same reason why I crank-up in buses.
11. the understandable requirement to be considerate of others, meaning not to drop something by mistake and then look for it under their legs, not to burp loudly (though I take pride of my burping skills) and not to laugh during serious scenes which are in fact funny.
12. the restraining to the chair in a closed room. am i a convicted felon?
So there, the cinema sucks. take all the things i dislike, shut them in a dark, cold room, through me in and charge money. FUN!
Elijah’s tweet reflected both the annoying aspect of stupid people who are dicks at the theater and the aspect of strict rules which I dislike. He pretty much summed up my approach.
so if you want to watch a movie with me (although you probably don’t, after reading this misanthropic post), let’s watch it on the couch, with access to a kitchen full of snacks and a nearby comfy bathroom.
and here I drew myself in the cinema:
